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She Walks Alongside Me

I've been writing to you lately about the important tool of meditation in our lives. This, if you’re not quite sure, connects the mind and body to help increase both physical and mental peace and calm. Some days I need a "re-set" type of meditation, other days I need help with anxiousness or to be guided by a calming voice over a particular subject I may be dealing with. The nice part is, meditation is for anyone and everyone who would like to do something positive for themselves, being most definitely an act of self-love.

Recently, I have advanced my meditations with intent, to clear and process the negative people and happenings that have occurred throughout my life. I have learned something so fantastic I needed to share this amazing transformation of thought and of emotional healing.

Realizing my earliest memories of bad things that happened to me, or around me, began when I was a very young girl. This is also the same time I started to store these memories and experiences in a separate version of me, a type of shadow, a darkness that I would hope I never had to acknowledge. This dark shadow walks alongside of me. These dark files of the history of my life were always with me, and I never would tell anyone that this shadow of me even existed.

This meditation invited me in with singing bowl tones. Settling into my breath, I felt very open to whatever this meditation had to bring. When the guide began to ask, “what do I feel shameful of?” and “think of the people or person that inflicted that shameful action upon me”, or why I would feel guilt over being wrongfully treated or spoken to or “what bad decision making changed the course of my life”, the meditation became very heavy. These unspoken wounds have now risen to the surface of my life and awakened me; this was the time I never thought would arrive. This meditative journey became an emotional struggle, and I was fighting to get through. It was dark and empty and lonely as I found myself now standing inside of my shadow. Everything I had stored was just sitting there waiting, waiting for me to come back to all of it. There were so many memories I was walking through, and so many people to talk to, or, never to talk to again. I felt myself very emotional and visualized pushing the people and the memories aside to get past them, it was like swimming down a polluted river you couldn’t see through. No one was helping me; I was alone, and I was destined to solve this piece of my journey. I remembered that I used to be pretty at one time in my life, but with all this garbage and sludge of the dark passages of my life, I couldn’t see “pretty” anymore. I was old now and worn and ugly and I was hiding all of this garbage as best I could.

Through this struggle, I heard these very strange words spoken to me…” embrace, embrace all of this, wrap your arms around yourself and love all of this, love all of you.”

Embrace everything of your darkest times, hold it close to you, embrace you and everything you are holding and make it part of you. Love you. Love every-single-thing about you. Know that every detail of your life creates this amazing piece of artwork that you have painted. It is beautiful, you are a beautiful canvas, and you have survived everything to be who you are today. If you’ve ever heard anyone talk about “the bigger picture”, this is it. Shine a light on all of what you encompass and feel blessed. I feel so blessed and uplifted and clear.

My shadow doesn’t walk alongside me anymore, she is part of me, and I love her. This was about a 45-minute session.

All this progress and transformation through meditation! Breath, focus, honesty and the want to live my very best life and function at my highest self with the people around me that I love. It was very difficult for me to believe that I could re-ignite my emotions and my life journey. It took me a while to understand what I have accepted for myself and accomplished within myself. Sitting alone crying, I said the words out loud, “you are strong”, and without any doubt, I believed me.

To no longer have darkness in my life, but instead, a full bank and variety of memories that I have forgiven myself for and the people whom I have also forgiven, is a very “first chapter” of starting to live differently. Being in this new euphoric state of mind also empowers me. I get to choose happiness and peacefulness and forward progress. I get to choose to walk away from people who are toxic and unstable and have nothing to contribute to my life. I will welcome all positivity, encouragement and inspiration from all directions. I literally snuggled in my bed last night and was explaining all of this to my husband and for the first time my thoughts made me pause. I paused because I needed to take notice and feel a natural sense of happiness that had washed over me. Just that. Happiness.

But if you think you are welcome to disturb what I have built…good luck, and I hope you pull yourself from that river one day. Peace and happiness and love to those of you on the journey. Please feel free to share.

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To be transparent, I have been going through therapy since April of 2021. I have had a lifetime of experiencing difficulty with my family members, parents, children, friends and especially myself. I